Bill Howell Column: Why Aston Villa striker means England won't win the World Cup
Oct 13 2009
“BREAKING news – what a coo, what a coo.”
It was Saturday night, 55 minutes into Strictly Come Dancing.
Bruce Forsyth, reading from an auto-card, might just be announcing that the war in Afghanistan was over.
Perhaps British troops were pulling out of Iraq. Had the Taliban surrendered?
Nope. “The BBC will show highlights of the Ukraine versus England game at 10.15 tonight. What a coo,” continued our chinned wonder, jibbering in the aftermath of his defence of Anton du Beke.
“This is not a commercial,” he went on. “It is for real. Are you pleased? Come on, aren’t you thrilled? The England game.”
Poor Joe Calzaghe – left waiting for Len Goodman to announce his marks.
Poor Strictly fans – football creeping into ballroom dancing (and no Didier Drogba in the penalty box to be seen).
And poor English football fans – forced to huddle into bedrooms over laptop computers.
But Sorry, Brucie and sorry, Beeb. There was no coup at all.
I’d watched the game myself. Not on a computer screen but on a TV. Not in a cinema, not on a 14in at home – but down the pub, complete with David Pleat.
Yes, I paid £5 for the privilege but that was for the two pints of Carling.
It was not in a sports bar crammed full of hundreds of screaming punters, but in an ordinary Lakeland boozer and watched by a dozen blokes, maybe a couple of women and a porn star (there is a story there, for another day).
Regardless of whatever nonsense you read, you can catch any game anywhere these days.
A third TV in the corner of this particular pub was tuned into an Italian station and was ready for that evening’s clash with Ireland.
A fortnight ago, I was in a Sunderland pub. Wolves were 200 yards away in the Stadium of Light, yet these punters were waiting for the big screen and the satellite link from France.
A week earlier, the Albion-Middlesbrough game was live in pubs in West Bromwich, via the Middle East.
It matters not. What did we learn from England’s first qualifying slip? Not just that flares can distract. Have you watched Charlie’s Angels on Bravo?
There are three reasons why they can’t win the World Cup.
No, not altitude, the players and the opposition.
How about: Rio Ferdinand, Robert Green and Emile Heskey?
Ferdinand could lose a 50-yard dash against Billy Bunter’s fatter brother, with Bunter Snr wearing a pair of over-sized wellies.
Green? Leaping like a walrus rather than a cat and as brave as the Cowardly Lion.
And Heskey? Ready to move from Villa Park? I failed maths so many times at school, I can’t even count but I can’t see clubs queueing up. Apart from Hull City.
“I will have to think about my next move,” he says. Does he mean: “Should I put my boots on, or my slippers?”
Would it really make any difference?
