FANCY a romantic meal for St Valentine’s Day?

Those of a superstitious disposition might think twice about making it a night to remember at the Coach House.

Over the door is a warning of the potential consequences of your actions ... good and bad!

‘Available for functions’, it says: ‘Birthdays, christenings, anniversaries and ... divorces’.

Well, I never.

Trusting to luck that we weren’t tempting fate in our 13th year of betrothal, we popped in for lunch during a recent snowy lunchtime.

Although business was quiet, the heating was on sufficiently enough for us to not only take our coats off but I even ordered a ploughman’s salad.

Collette tried the cheese and onion melt baguette, featuring a brown goo which tasted sweet enough to have come out of a jar.

My meal was oddly presented, thanks mainly to two unappetisingly-large triangles of cheese.

Having worked overtime to crumble up the first half, I measured the depth of the surplus half back at home out of curiosity – it was 1cm.

I also got a snooker ball-sized red tomato next to a humongous pile of pickle as well as three substantial onions I could have played ping-pong with.

The green salad and some chopped tomato was very fresh and the bread was hot enough to melt my twin packs of butter.

Asked if the Marston’s Pedigree was a real ale, a friendly young barmaid said: ‘What’s real ale?’. Turns out that it wasn’t, but it tasted all right.

Clearing our plates later, said barmaid failed to ask if we’d enjoyed ourselves.

Well, yes, as it happens, despite the chef’s apparent lack of real effort.

Just so long as we don’t end up in a pickle with a lawyer.

* The Bill

1 Cheese and onion melt – £2.95

1 Ploughman’s salad – £4.95

175cl Le Piat D’Or wine – £2.85

1 Half pt Pedigree – £1.15

Total: £11.90

Value: £££

* The Verdict

PLUS: Friendly, warm and characterful pub.

MINUS: Pickle crazy, slabs of cheese you could lay a pavement with.

* Best Deal

A limited number of main meals are two for £5.99 all day every day; Sunday lunch before 4pm is £5.25.